sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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