Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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