i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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