How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
