I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
