He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
