Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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