How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
