I want to walk on stilts...naked
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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