just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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