When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Houston, we have a squirter
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize