you guys were way drunker than both of me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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