Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
