I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
