I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
