i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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