Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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