Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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