Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
