My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
