I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
