We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
