i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
