You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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