Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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