Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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