if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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