i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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