he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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