Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
