It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
