last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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