i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
