her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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