I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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