Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
