She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Randomize
