I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize