You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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