I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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