I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
