Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
