We're facebook friends in real life
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
