I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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