Just took my morning after pill in the library
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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