Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
