Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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