Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
