party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
sarcasm needs its own font
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
