I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
