to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
