why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
