Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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