a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i think i just lost a toe
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
