We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize