I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
