overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
