If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
