Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
