So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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