wrigley field is MILF paradise
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
