just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
