i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
