i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
