new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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