Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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