She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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