my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
