Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
