I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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