I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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